Garage Band

I’ve already emailed several of you about this, but it bothered me so much I had to make it a post here so that all of our Beautiful Constant KMA Readers can be in on this story.

Craig Ferguson is ending his late night show soon, which is none too soon because we watched his monologue and sketches and none of it was funny. At all. That stupid skeleton robot, the stupid horse, the lame jokes… it’s looong over. Anyway, I suppose he thought he was gonna go out with a bang by having Metallica as guests for an entire week. It’s also great promo for their 10th anniversary re-release of (one of) the most painfully bad rock documentaries ever, Some Kind Of Monster. Also, in 2015, the band will begin re-releasing all of their albums, because everyone sells out and does that at some point, it seems. As if anyone needs to re-buy their Metallica albums. Just because. Oh, and here’s a couple of b-sides that were left off the albums for good reason. Thanks a fucking bunch, guys.

I will not provide youtube links to this TV show thing, you can go find it yourself – but please consider reading the rest of this post before you do so. And if, after reading this, you still choose to look it up, I consider you forewarned and on your own recognizance. I’ve done what I can.

First off, don’t even watch the monologue or interview. As I said, it’s really bad. And not funny. Save your non-refundable lifetime for something important, like clipping your toenails. I type this here as a public service. You may thank me later.

As for the music clips… well. We all know those guys, the ones who have a garage band and they’d quit their cubicle jobs in a minute if their band ever got a gig and got noticed and got a record deal (a deal which would screw them over forever and make their lives hell, but shhh they’re special snowflakes, don’t tell them that part).

Well, Metallica (I love them still) sounds like that garage band on this show. They sound like a hairy, unwashed group ensconced in Mom’s garage, bashing out For Whom The Bell Tolls because A) they can, and B) they have big dreams of success and fame and fortune and knowing how to cover these songs might (they mistakenly believe) give them cultural cache. They do NOT sound like the band that wrote the fucking song!

Actually, they sound like they’re struggling. Lars is doing pointless fills, half-assing it in every song, and still not keeping consistent time, I swear it. Kirk is in love with his pedals to cover the fact that he’s phoning it in, and the volume on his guitar was far too low. And James’ vocals are gone. Not even struggling, they’re just gone. The only one holding up his end of his deal is Rob Trujillo. In fact, he was carrying them, here.

I dunno, watch it and you might diagree. Fair play to you. But don’t let your blind allegiance to this band, er, blind you to the truth. This was so bad. Honestly, I found this to be just awful. And maybe it was bad sound because it’s a late night TV show studio, not Madison Square Garden. Maybe they were tired. Maybe being sober this long has sucked all the verve out of them. Maybe they didn’t rehearse at all because who give a shit about a string of late night TV show appearances?

Or maybe they’ve hit their sell-by date. Maybe doing this into their 50s is showing that it’s over? We don’t want it to be true, but come on. This music is for young players. I dunno, I haven’t been following them too closely the last couple of years. Have any of you had recent news about shows, sound issues, James’ voice, general band suckage?

This wasn’t my Metallica. Not even fucking close. This was amateur hour.


Posted on November 28, 2014, in posts by aaron and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.

  1. We were talking about Metallica just yesterday. Ugh. This saddens me. We all know Lars isn’t the most…how do I put this kindly?…”consistent”. Metallica is a sloppy metal band. But it seems from this (I won’t look for the vids) that their sloppiness has turned from a “punk cool” thing before, to a distraction and embarrassment.

    My “Give a Fuck” level on this band has steadily gone down since St. Anger.


    • Yeah, I dunno maybe they were just having bad nights. Or maybe it’s time to hang it up or go acoustic or something. And if this is the norm now, they need to make the move quick before they piss on the legacy.


      • Ugh, Metallica acoustic. How long you think before they do it?


        • Lars with a tambourine and a bongo drum, chewing gum with his mouth open and sticking his tongue out…


          • GOD I hate that. It’s not like he does it in a cool way, like Gene. He looks like he’s a child trying to lick an ice cream. Fuckin’ guy.

            I do have to add though. I do like Some Kind of Monster. It’s such a fucking train wreck. I love it, because it’s the kind of inside look that made nobody look good, leading me to believe it’s probably a really accurate picture of the inner workings at that time. I hope they have all grown up a bit since then.


            • Haha even Gene doing that, at this point, is a little icky. I suppose when they were younger it was an invitation to the ladies, if ya know what I mean. Also, he was a demon, so of course demons stick out their tongues. All the time. It’s demonology 101. But Lars? If it talks like a twat, plays drums like a twat, and sticks its tongue out like a twat, it might be a…

              As for SKoM, I live with a therapist and we watched it together and my opinion of it is forever linked with hers, that that guy they hired to help them out crossed so many boundaries and did so many things wrong it’s a wonder he allowed them to release it at all, in the name of his own professional credibility. Pay for what you get, every time. I still maintain they should’ve gone through that but NOT made a movie. No no no no no nope no way nyet nein no.


        • As for how long ’til they do it? 20 minutes? Half hour?


  2. Mind you I really loved Death Magnetic, they were good on that tour too.


    • Oh absolutely. DM was my album of the year, that year! LOVED IT. And Beyond Magnetic too, it’s all good!

      I still have never seen them live [shuffles off with head hung in shame, having lost all cred]

      But this “performance”… I just… ugh.


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