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Five Hole Band – Tales Of Hockey Erotica

Dear KMA Readers, I cannot contain my excitement!

I think most of you here are with me on this one when I say that, as record collectors, sometimes we have items that have eluded us for ages. And even when we find a rare copy, it’s always way too expensive, or in terrible shape. That is, in fact, why we host the KMA Grail List!

Herein lies this tale. I’ve had a copy of the Five Hole Band’s Tales Of Hockey Erotica on the Grail List for ages. Check out the players (and some of the stuff they’ve worked on/with):

Dave Bidini (Rheostatics, Bidiniband, Bourbon Tabernacle Choir, well-known author of books and articles, etc)

Selina Martin (solo, Martin Tielli, Ford Pier)

Barry Mirochnick (drums for Neko Case, Kathryn Calder, Whitehorse, Melissa McLelland, Waterboys, Greg MacPherson, Luke Doucet, Ford Pier, etc etc)

Ford Pier (Carolyn Mark, Kathryn Calder, D.O.A., Buttless Chaps, Amy Honey, Neko Case, Martin Tielli, Show Business Giants, Beat Farmers, Kris Demeanor, solo, etc)

Martin Tielli (Rheostatics, Nick Buzz, Ford Pier, Meryn Cadell, Luke Doucet, Buttless Chaps, Amelia Curran, Justin Rutledge, solo, etc)

I know! And there are guest performers too (see bonus shite photie of credits at bottom of this post)

This disc is the result of Bidini writing a play, and the play getting performed, and then the songs being recorded (see bonus shite photie of digipak blurb at bottom of post). Now you know.

Now, over the years, copies have come along now and again, but they’re always ex-library rentals and the sellers make no promises about conditon, and even then these have been $10 and up, some as high as $50. Seriously. Here’s the common refrain:

Ex-Library rental. Disc(s) are professionally cleaned and may contain only light scratches that do not effect functionality. Includes disc(s), case, and back artwork. Front booklet may be missing. Disc(s), case, and back artwork may contain library/security stickers and ink writing. Case and artwork may show some wear. ARTWORK MAY BE UNORIGINAL AND PRINTED BY LIBRARY. Case may not be an original jewel case. All disc(s) are authentic.

Straight up: I’m not buying that.

One time, I even emailed the label, Zunior, and asked about procurring a copy through them. After being told to search what I’d already done for ages (Amazon, etc), the reply came back that the guy would sell me his copy. For $50. Sigh. I didn’t even bother to reply.

And then one day, recently, I randomly searched it out of reflex, and found a copy on Amazon, Used – Like New. For just $9.99. The seller has had 175 ratings averaging 4.5 stars. Hello! Too good to be true? It didn’t take me long to decide to take a chance.

Well, it arrived yesterday and it’s beautiful! The CD itself is pristine, better (I think) than advertised. The digipak clearly had somebody use it as a clipboard for writing a note or something to themselves, as the front cover has a few impressions in it, but I am not bothered by them and looked at straight on they’re not even noticeable.

Even better, it looks to be a signed copy! Selina Martin’s signature seems to be gracing the front! Sweet!

And the music is so much fun. Here are my notes from my first-run listen through this album:

Hockey Anthem quotes Slap Shot (naturally), then plods along in an hilarious “anthem” that loves hockey and being Canadian and, er, big balls.

(Thinking ‘Bout Your) Five Hole has a sweetly plucked (and slightly boinging) intro that’s pure Tielli and Bidini, but it quickly becomes a fun rocker chock full of sexual double entendres as innuendos. This is songwriting!

Joan is a lovely strummed country-ish song about the titular character, and her search for love and same-sex, well, sex. But it’s written as story-telling and poetry and it’s simply awesome!

Electric Goalie starts out with a crowd booing, but then turns a couple’s sex moans into part of the beat for this electronic oddity. Buzzers sound, and left-field quotes like “I’m gonna piss all over myself,” and “fucking here I come!” and “pussy!” playfully add to the mix. As an interlude track it’s… different!

The Squid And The Wayne builds from a sweet love song into a raging and roaring soaring bit of voluminous rawk, then swings back to this great instrumental section with pedal steel…

Five Hole Story is a spoken word piece that is rife with more innuendo and just great description about his five hole and its powers and beauties and strengths. It has a history, it has needs, it has wants, and the guitar flits through the background and voices shout FIVE HOLE! randomly as the story unfolds. Haha this was awesome.

Enough About Men & Women Already is funky fun, sung falsetto with disco affectation as the guitar lays the fuzz and occasional clips from hockey announcers, and even a section that briefly riffs the Chili Peppers before becoming electronic bzzing and more sex moans, all while rapping old school. Seriously!

I Fall To Pieces is not, in fact, a cover of Patsy Cline. Which makes sense because I can’t imagine how that tune would fit into this narrative. Instead, Tielli does his slow song lilting beautiful vocals thing while Selina Martin harmonizes and the guitars add atmosphere and, as the acoustic comes in, a Spanish feel. The track builds into a funky swinging disco rattler. Cool!

Bobby Wolf has an almost childlike intro melody line, but the music underneath is fuzzy and grimy rock, all funk and rawk. Of course, with these folks involed, it switches again to sweet pop, then back again. And the lyrics? Bobby wants his game back, and he needs help doing it! This is stunning!

There Go The Jocks starts off with an announcer calling a Bobby Hull goal, then lifts off straight-away into an almost TV-show theme-sounding bouncy rocker. Haha this is fun. I couldn’t not tap my toes to this one and, hey, there go the jocks! “We love the hockey game,” indeed!

Electric Goalie Exit is, as you’d expect, more of the instrumental interlude from earlier. Complete with sex moans and oddities galore.

Oh my goodness.

In Sum:

1) I am absolutely thrilled to find a Grail List Item!

2) This is my favourite hockey-related album since Hockey Teeth’s album Smells Like Stanley’s Cup! It’s 33 minutes of sweet hilarity and full-on creativity and sexiness and pure fun.



Bonus Shite Photies:

The Blurb from inside the digipak:

The Credits – and check out the guest performers!

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