I thought it would be fun to make a mix of old school hip hop for the kids, show the kids what we used to like back in the 80s. Two things happened:
- It is nearly impossible to find old school rap songs that don’t have swearing, or sexual references, or violent imagery in them. I mean, I ultimately found about 25 tracks, but I combed all 4 of my Anthems Hip Hop sets (3CD each = 12CD) to even get those.
- My kids didn’t really like it.
They were OK with Run DMC and Aerosmith’s Walk This Way, mostly, but they liked A Tribe Called Quest’s Can I Kick It? better… my lovely wife says in this way you can tell they take after me. We tried Sugarhill Gang, Grandmaster Flash, Gang Starr, Eric B. & Rakim, Young MC, EPMD, Kurtis Blow, a whole bunch of old hits (and reading those names, you can probably guess the tracks they heard). But… meh. My boy said he’d rather Iron Maiden, while my daughter asked for Jake Bugg. So there you go. I’ll keep the disc and we can try it again in a year or so.
One track that bugged me lyrically, though, was Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock’s It Takes Two. It’s seemingly innocuous, and it has a funky beat (and that damn repeated “yeah!”… “scream” thing throughout) but I listened closely to the lyrics and it hurt my damn head…
Right about now
You are about to be possessed
By the sounds of
MC Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock
Possesed? Should I call an exorcist? A… rapsorcist?
I wanna rock right now
I’m Rob Base and I came to get down
I’m not internationally known
But I’m known to rock the microphone
So how far is the range of your being known? Your state? Your town? Your Mom?
Because I get stupid, I mean outrageous
So, say outrageous the first time, then.
Stay away from me if you’re contagious
Um, OK? Are you a germophobe?
‘Cause I’m the winner, no, I’m not a loser
To be an MC is what I choose-a
That doesn’t rhyme with loser.
Ladies love me,
Sure they do.
girls adore me
I mean even the ones who never saw me
Like the way that I rhyme at a show
What? If they never saw you, how could they…?
The reason why, man, I don’t know
I don’t know either because you’re not making sense. Also, way to have self-confidence. You don’t know why people would like what you do?
My name is Rob, I gotta real funky concept
Listen up, ’cause I’m gonna keep you in step
I got an idea
That I wanna share
You don’t like it, so what, I don’t care
Wait a minute, we just listened all the way to here and you couldn’t give a shit? Why did you write this song, then? It’s to make sure people don’t come near you with their germs, isn’t it. I knew it.
I’m number-one, the uno, I like comp
Bring all the suckers ’cause all them I’ll stomp
Rob Base is Yoda, now?
Bold and black but I won’t protect
All of my followers ’cause all I want is respect
Wait. So you won’t protect your followers but expect them to respect you? Dude.
I’m not a doctor, put them in rapture
A slick brother that can easy outfox ya
‘Cause I’m Rob, the last name Base, yeah
And on the mike, I’m known to be the freshest
Go on, boast to all those you won’t protect…
So let’s start, it shouldn’t be too hard
I’m not a sucker so I don’t need a bodyguard
I won’t fess, wear a bulletproof vest
So you don’t need protection either.
Don’t smoke buddha, can’t stand sess, yes
What? Wait a minute, are you high right now?
The situation that the Base is in
I’m kinda stingy that’s why I don’t wanna lend
A funky rhyme to a foe or a good friend
But listen up ’cause I want you to comprehend
Folks he won’t protect you, and he won’t help you.
‘Cause I’m the leader, the man superior
I take care of ya and then ya get wearier
But you just said you won’t take care of us at all.
So just sit, my rhymes are not counterfeit
The record sells which makes this one a hit
It won’t hurt to listen to Red Alert
Take off your shirt, make sure it don’t hit the dirt
I will not take my shirt off for you, Rob Base.
I like the kids, the guys, the girls
I want the ducats ’cause this is Rob Base’s world
I’m on a mission, ya better just listen
To my rhymes ’cause I’m all about dissin’ ’cause
Now wait a minute. Who are you “dissin’?” And ducats? Seriously? I think the only thing you said here that makes sense to me is that Rob Base is in his own world.
I stand alone, don’t need anyone
You must be fun at parties. Remember your John Donne though, Rob. No man is an island.
‘Cause I’m Rob, just came to have fun
Don’t need friends that act like foes
‘Cause I’m Rob Base, the one who knows
About things that make ya get weary
Don’t cheer me, just hear me
Out ’cause I got the clout, shout (ho!)
Before I turn the party out
You know about things that make me weary, alright. Have you read your own lyrics?
I won’t stutter, project my voice, speak clearly
So you can be my choice on stage
Wait, so I get to join you on stage now, Mr. I Don’t Need Anyone? What about the germs?
Or on record, go to the Wiz and select it
Take it off the rack, if it’s wack put it back
The Wiz? Of Oz?
I like the Whopper, fuck the Big Mac
Given that you haven’t mentioned food anywhere else in this song, this is random but OK, suuure…
If you want static, so let’s go
So, throw up your hands, go for what you know
I could go for a Big Mac…
Bro’, I got an ego
No kidding. Really?
Yo, talkin’ to me, no, oh?
No. Oh. Yo?
‘Cause Rob is in the front, EZ Rock is on the backup
And he’s probably wondering how long he has to put up with this before he gets a better gig.
We’re not soft, so you better just slack up
‘Cause I’m cool, calm just like a breeze
You have not sounded calm once in this song. In fact, you’ve been very opinionated and nonsensical.
Rock the mike with the help of E-Z Rock
On the set, the music plays
Only cuts the records that I say
And if you don’t get your way, Mr. Bossypants, do you lie on the floor, kick and scream and cry until they let you have your way?
It seems like such an innocuous vacuous pop rap song. And it is. Just don’t listen to the lyrics. They’ll hurt your head.
And keep your germs to yourself. Apparently. Haha what a dumb song.
Pass the Tylenol.