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Oh Lorde

The internet amuses me…

Lorde – Pure Heroine

Alright, let’s get it on.

I’ve had some wine and tonight I really wanted to listen to the newest Black Flag record, What The…, but it’s not on the youtubes yet and of course I haven’t bought it yet either. Instead, I typed “Worst Albums Of 2013” into the Googles and some site I’ve never heard of before called VICE Canada was at the top of the pile with their 50 Worst Albums of 2013. Fair enough. So I scrolled to #1 and… tonight I’m gonna listen to Lorde on the youtubes. I don’t know who this is, but I’ve seen the CD at the store (which counts for absolutely nothing).

Tennis Court is all electronic and drum machines and nothing much to say. It’s tuneful, after a fashion, but when I’m not thinking it’s 1983 again, I’m wondering what “let’s go down to the tennis court and talk it up like yeah” even means. I need more wine… 400 Lux carries on the uninteresting backing music. I’m not liking her vocal approach. Some people’s voices are breathy or raspy or will break when pushed a bit, and in music this can make for a unique and interesting effect. Hers, though, sounds calculated and contrived. This song sucks. Yawn.

Royals. Ah. I think they were playing this in the HMV, recently.  I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now. I don’t get the music at all. I mean, I understand minimalism. But this is just… thin. Meh… Ribs tries to pick up the pace a little bit, but it’s still not grabbing me. NEXT. 

Buzzcut Season is another half-felt electronic track, but its opening line may be the best thing here: “I remember when your head caught flame.” Now that would be entertaining. Look, I don’t actually wish her bodily harm, but I’m starting to contemplate switching from wine to whiskey. I must repeat the mantra: “never mix the grain and the grape…” Must resist… must resist… I can’t afford a hammered head AND this crappy music imprinted in my brain tomorrow morning… Team is just brutal. Who let this person in a studio? Or wait, did she make this with Garageband in her basement? Either way, I’m severely tempted to shut this off, abandon the project and just go lie down. I wish I could wash my mind out with soap.

You know what, so far every song has sounded different and yet it all sounds the freaking same. What the hell. Is this a popular record? If so, how? Oh g-d, I still have four songs to go…

Oh I wish I could tell you that Glory And Gore was the game changer but… no. So, since I’m not even paying attention to this song anymore, I’m wondering if she’s gonna tour this stuff. I’m picturing it… walk on stage, wave at the crowd, push a button and just sing along. No band required. Wait! Even better! She could do all of that AND lip-synch! Then it’d be the complete fabrication it is… 

Still Sane is an interesting title for track 8. Am I still sane, after sitting through all of this? I’m starting to wonder. “I still like hotels but I think that’ll change” is the depth we’re achieving here, folks. Oooo she’s singing about fame. I wanna hear every single word!… Not. Isn’t that a little presumptuous on your debut record? At least wait until you’ve burst your first spots, ya know?

White Teeth Teens is more of the same blah blah blah. I can’t even be arsed to think of anything different to say, at this point. NEXT. And finally I’ve hit the last song. I made it! It hasn’t even been 40 minutes and I feel like I’ve run a goddamn shite marathon. Anyway, A World Alone is where this song oughta be. At least it tries for a club feel, but it’s still the same as the other 9 tracks here.

Oh thank goodness it’s over. I drained my glass and went over to Wiki to look her up. She’s 17, which could explain a lot of the immaturity. This record is so one-note and plastic. If you’re aware of your life time passing you by, and you consider how you spend it to be important since you cannot get it back, I am sending you a message from the front lines: don’t do it. Go hear something else.

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