2020-03-20 – 2021-03-20

Today marks the one year anniversary of my quarantine at home with the kids. It was a year ago, today, that my boss told us all to go home, that they were projecting two weeks before we would return. Two weeks.

Things wobbled between worse, then better for months, and now, after a year, we have (somewhat) returned to normal, around here at the moment. Our area is mostly open (but that doesn’t mean come up here from places that aren’t good – stay home). My place of business is open (under modified hours and spacing rules). I am still at home, though, as our kids are committed now to being in online learning for the term, and they’re not (by law) old enough to be left at home alone. With my lovely wife still working front line in the hospital, and with my parents over 70, it fell to me to stay here. I haven’t worked in a year.

I know I’ve been lucky. Many people have lost their jobs, their homes, even their lives, through all of this. My lovely wife’s income allows us to live like we do. And here in Canada, we’re fortunate to have a government that has tried to (and did) help us as best they could, with programs built on the fly. I don’t take this position for granted at all.

An entire year of my life. If you’d asked me then how I’d feel at this point now, I’d have told you I’d be babbling, rattling around and bouncing off walls, missing the outside world and everything we used to do. I do have those moments, especially for the kids missing their friends and social interactions and sports, etc. But more often, I’ve learned, the thought of getting out there, taking back up all of the things we used to juggle, tires me. We were doing too much, as a family. The thought of walking back into the stress ball that was my work just makes me tense.

I’ve gone through the five stages, I suppose, and am now at acceptance. A lot of the stress, which I wasn’t aware I was carrying and/or compensating for, has dissipated. A lot of the physical pains that were ailing me have gone (though some remain). There has been a levelling, of sorts. I may never find actual peace in this life, but this is the closest I’ve been in a while, and all it took was quarantining against a pandemic, with a controlled environment acting as a buffer against an uncertain world.

And it isn’t over. I am here until at least the fall. The kids will finish out this online school year, then summer vacation will take us to the fall. What will happen then? Will enough people be vaccinated or will a new strain have gotten us in its grip? Will people remain responsible, or will the nicer weather make everyone relax (and screw it all up)? We don’t know. Through this I have learned a new disbelief at the thoughtless selfishness of some people out there, doing what they want despite restrictions because they are (in their minds) entitled. I understand the urge to want things “back to normal” but I do not undertand the selfish unwillingness to do what’s necessary to get everyone there once and for all.

I’ve not become a hermit, nor agoraphobic. But I’ve adjusted to this new way of life that was thrust upon us, and found a new level of comfort within it. I’ve learned things about myself. I’m not a misanthrope, but I will suffer blind foolishness less, going forward. I’ve learned that more than half of the list of things I always said I would do “if I had the time” was a lie. I’ve had nothing but time to do all of those things, and yet I’ve let a lot of it go, in favour of other things that felt more important, or just doing nothing at all. This has been an opportunity to find balance, grounded understanding, and while I am not balanced, even yet, somehow I feel closer. I’m a pretty resilient guy, and have done many things in this life and have learned through experience. But that was all outward exertion. It’s been interesting to turn inward and meet myself at this age, a couple of years away from half a century old. We ignore a lot in the swirl of day to day life. Slowing down has been a boon, I think. It has been stressful, sure, but it’s different stress. Calmer, more contained, and without so many of the defences necessary to act as buffers against the unpredictablities of other people.

This time at home has given me different drives, different perspectives. I now see that a lot of what I thought was important just isn’t. Never mind what other people would say about any of it, I see it for myself, on my terms. I’ve always had a bit of a dichotomy within me, wanting to do and see and own so many things, in constant tension against an ideal of living minimally and quietly. I blame reading Walden at a young age, ha. But that push-pull has always been there, my own energy levels (which can be high) in direct opposition to the urge to just be calm and let things be. Maybe I’m now finding a middle ground, at least.

We all know that common sense isn’t very common anymore, but that shouldn’t stop us from continuing to seek the common good. I remain here, and I’m OK with that. This isn’t defeat, this isn’t weak acceptance. But it is acknowledging that this is how things are, now, and this is my current role in it all. From the long view of it all, this year has been instructive. I know, someday, I’ll have to go back out there. But maybe I can go forward in different ways, from a stronger, better place. We’ll just have to see, if/when we get there.